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Devonté Hynes

Guest Blog : Karley Sciortino (Slutever) Makes An Offensive List In Regards To Her Opinion Of Dev's Female Preferences

In a new venture on this godforsaken website, I'll be handing the reigns over to friends of mine and letting them write whatever they wish.
Kicking off this trend is my friend Karley who is a writer for various publications (Dazed and Confused, Vice and Platform Magazine) as well as for her own blog and one of my favourites
Slutever which I've been reading for years now (do yourself a favour and read it too).

Last week Karley called me a "Jaded Nymphomaniacal Creep", whilst last night in drunken text conversing all I could muster was to text her how pathetic I am and how much I just want a family... so to say the least, she's a good friend that puts up with my incessant bullcrap. So here's her even more offensive (and eerily accurate) take on myself. Enjoy. ---- Dev.
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HI, I’m Karley, AKA Slutever. I’ve known Dev for a few years now, and for some reason the two of us can’t seem to get together without falling into the same, pseudo-philosophical conversation about the science of “being cool.” This entails going around in circles, trying desperately to put our fingers on the elusive formula—the paradoxal blueprint—it takes to create a person that is ultimately cool. (And yes, it is as embarrassing as it sounds.) For example: “Is it cool to send someone you like a text that says I NEED YOU TO FUCK ME, or is it cooler to not text at all and just pretend like you don’t care?” “No, I think that’s cool.” or “Does this shirt/pants combo make me look cool?” “No, it makes you look like you’re trying to be cool, which is actually uncool.” And so on…

However, the catch is, engaging in this type of conversation at all is quite obviously the farthest thing from cool anyone could ever do, because those who are inherently cool don’t have to dissect cool, they just are cool naturally. You follow? Whatevs.

Anyway, at the root of these discussions, really, is love (or lust, whichever you prefer), because deep down, the reason we all want to be cool so badly is so that someone else will think we’re cool, too, and then we’ll fall in love and live happily ever after in our own little cool bubble. (Gross?) However, due to a series of recent girl/life bummers, as of late Dev has become super jaded about love / life / the quest for cool / everything. It’s a total drag. The other day he actually said the sentence, “What’s the point in trying to meet a girl? The best scenario is that we fall in love, get married, have kids… and then she dies.” WHAT?! That’s like total psycho talk!

Trying and help, I told Dev about a new love-finding technique I recently heard about called Listing. Listing is when you physically write out a list of the qualities you want and don’t want in a partner, thus helping you to focus your mind and hone in on your “target market.” Sounds good, right? (If you seeing red flags, ignore them.) Unfortunately, when I told Dev about Listing he was so down in the dumps that he merely rolled his eyes, frowned and mumbled, “I just don’t have it in me anymore.”

Being the good friend that I am, however, I went ahead and made a list for Dev, containing all the qualities I think he would like / dislike in a partner, based on the hours I’ve spent listening to him rant about all the girls he loves / hates / wants to fuck / wants to hate fuck / wants to die, and so on. Here goes:

Desirable:


  • Girls with vaginas
  • Girls that are unavailable (emotionally and physically)
  • Over 30s
  • Under 30s
  • Girls who suck dick like it’s their ambition in life (all guys like this, trust me)
  • Anyone not grossed-out by Chili Heat Wave Dorito breath
  • Semi nerds (i.e. geeky music knowledge, comic book fetishes, awkward bangs, etc)
  • Girls that are optimistic (to counteract his negativity)
  • Squirters
  • Pot heads
  • Girls with some money (not loads, but enough to buy him lunch)

Undesirable:


  • Girls who play games (some are OK, we’re all human, but don’t be OTT. This isn’t 2001.)
  • Drama queens
  • Dumb girls (read a book you morons!)
  • Girls who are sexually timid
  • Girls who don't enjoy spending hours every day sitting around in bar/restaurant hybrids in Brooklyn, staring at walls
  • Girls who aren’t into getting married, having a kids and moving to the West Village (eventually)


Ok now go and make a list for yourselves you spinsters! Also, check MY BLOG to read more about Listing and see my own personal list! BYE!

Tags: a, am, creep, i, karley, slutever

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McBeastie Comment by McBeastie on July 18, 2010 at 11:07pm
I could never come up with a serious list of my own. I could make one, for fun, but I doubt I'd actually stick to it; and really you should be able to know whether you're into someone without one.

In any case, Dev don't let previous bad relationships ruin you future ones. Learn what worked and what didn't during those experiences and move on. It's how you "grow", and all that good shit...

P.S.- Squirters? Hell yeah man! :D *freeze frame high-five*

Orchestra Experiment


I've been slowly releasing scores of a symphony I wrote last year, so if you're bored and feel like playing some badly scored classical music... Click Here

Book

I have book out featuring a collection of short stories I wrote that had been published within the last year, I've placed them in several stores, mostly near my apartment in Brooklyn.. most people hate them. But if you want them? Message me. Click Here.

Dev's Movie Blog

One night, my room mate mentioned how it'd be pretty funny for someone to watch all the movies listed at the bottom of IMDB. I've started to, and it's not funny.
WorstMovies.Blogspot.Com

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